An Overwhelming Prospect

So I just woke up from another nightmare and decided that the blog I've been thinking about starting for the past week, probably needs to come to fruition.

The nightmare? I couldn't remember Zander's name for the first half of the dream, then discovered he was a girl, then was stuck in a car and I couldn't get to him to feed him. Not so bad right? Until you realize that Zander is currently 14 weeks old, weighs 2 oz, and still hasn't even been born. How can something so small, be cause for so much terror?

Last night was one of the more tame dreams. I have also given birth to a black hedgehog (the doctor poked it and declared, "He has intestinal problems"), empty placentas, plastic baby dolls (which I callously handed to my husband and said, "Here. This one's dead.") and a plethora of other inanimate objects which Freud would have a field day with (what does it mean when you dream you give birth to your dog?).

So last week I decided that I needed to start purchasing parenting books (remember... he's literally 4 inches long from head to butt, and weighs 2 oz). So I set to work, finding all kinds of books on correcting and teaching your children using scripture. My child's first words will be Ephesians 6:1, by golly!!!

So I was totally ready to discipline the little guy, when I ran across Tim Kimmel's book, "Grace Based Parenting." Right... grace... that whole thing that sustains me in my Christian walk. So I ordered that one too. "What Really Matters at Home" by Susan Yates is all about developing Christian Character. "Expecting" by Marla Taviano is a 40 week devotional of prayers to pray over baby. "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp covers my attitude about bringing up kids.

I'm not listing all these to brag, but to show how completely nuts all this has made me. How could I have been entrusted with this little soul that I have to teach, correct, show grace to, instill strong character in, pray over, and do it all with this great Christ centered attitude... AND I still have 20+ more books waiting in my Amazon Cart to be purchased. Do you realize I've been charged to be a missionary in my own home to a person that doesn't even speak discernible English for another two and a half years? Not only that, this child will see exactly how I live, day in and day out. It's like inviting a camera crew to do a reality show from the White House. Once you see how dysfunctional your leaders are, will anyone really follow them?

Can I trust in 2 Peter 1:3 that declares that I have been given everything I need for life and Godliness through my knowledge of Christ. I keep reminding myself of this verse, but life then laughs in my face. Everything, and I do mean ev-er-y-thing, requires a decision that could alter the life or welfare of this little guy: Do we use a midwife? Vaccinate? Cloth diaper? Breast feed? Spank? Feed only organic? Allow television? And how on earth do we attack the daunting prospect of teaching a little person with an underdeveloped mind, but a fully developed soul about the goodness of the gospel?

Breast Feed, Formula, or BACON?

What I've come to appreciate is how little control I really have. Even with this little guy taking up residence in my body, I still have no control over whether his life is safe. I remember my friend Jenn laughing when I told her that it'll be so much easier to have control once he's born. Of course that's not true- if I can't even keep him alive while he's nestled safely inside me, there's no way I can protect him from a sinful world.

Luckily, I know Someone who can.

So I'm learning to put my faith in the Lord in a whole new way. I'm trusting Him for another person's life and well-being with a fervor I have never before experienced. I'm learning to trust in His grace: if I don't feel like making home-made baby food, that it won't be the end of the world, and somehow my child will survive and grow into a well-adjusted adult.

Welcome to parenthood...

Parenting: Who says it has to be difficult