I'm diseased

Hooray for 16 week appointment! Baby Z's heartbeat still sounds good, which was a relief to hear because I feel like the least pregnant woman on the planet (despite my jeans being unable to button.) Today's visit was uneventful except that I got to schedule the ultrasound, which is still a month away.

So... I've had a rash that I call the "Bubonic Plague" on my stomach? (Chris kindly reminds me that it's really more 'leprosy' than 'bubonic plague' in his opinion. ...Thanks babe.) I have been freaking out for weeks thinking that it *could* be Pityriasis Rosea which is associated with miscarriages. So I asked my midwife about it ...yeah it's just ringworm. I've been losing sleep over ringworm.

Gross.

Double gross? I went home and started smearing anti-fungal cream all over it and my dog started licking it off. I picked him up, looked in his eyes, and said 'Mr. Beaux, that is anti-fungal cream. You must not lick it." He stared back at me lovingly and seemed to understand. Then just to show there were no hard feelings, he licked the inside of my mouth.

Can swishing with bleach harm the baby?

I think I'm going to go to sleep and start this day over.

Finding

(Elmer's glue commercial flashes on the television.)

Chris: Did you ever have those dumb kids in grade school who covered their whole hand in glue and let it dry just to peel it off.

Me: I was that kid!

Chris: You would be. We made fun of those kids.

The previous story has nothing to do with the following post, I'm just getting accustomed to not living life with Facebook, and I'm having some trouble grappling with the reality that no one cares about my 180 character snippets of life. Give it time.

Moving on to more weighty topics...

There are days when I feel like I'm not sure I know the character of the Lord at all. It is on these occasions that I find myself most disappointed with who I thought He was, and what I thought He promised. I am so repelled by my own jaded attitude sometimes.

It was on one of these days, that Chris and I decided to start journaling for the next month to see where the Lord would lead. We'll see where it get us.

So last night I started trying to journal, when I realized I have nothing to journal about: no new revelation, no intimate moment... nothing. There I was, trying once again to put the cart before the horse- trying to write about a spiritual evolution that had been stagnant for some time.

So I did some thing extraordinary... I actually opened the bible. Not to find a verse that I already knew about, or to reread my favorite chapters... I opened it with new eyes, relying not on notes that had been scribbled in the margins decades ago, but awaiting real revelation concerning the cause of this long spiritual drought I have existed in.

The result was breathtaking.

Here's a synopsis of my rabbit trail:

John 1:1 (I started here, hoping to get through the whole first chapter last night, but instead got stuck on this one verse)

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

From there I went to Genesis 1:1

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

My study notes in my bible point out that in Hebrew the word for God (Elohim) there is plural, as in the Trinity, but the word "created" is a verb that is written in the singular tense (remember back to conjugating verbs in Spanish class?) So the Trinity is recognized in that first verse, but "they" move as one.

Study Notes also point out that the bible always assumes and never argues God's existence. Although everything has a beginning, God has always been.

From here I looked up Psalm 12:25-26

"In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. (26)They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded."

Isa 40:21-22

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in."

Are you getting the majesty of God? That before everything was, He existed? That we are mere grasshoppers in comparison? That like an old sock, heaven and earth will pass away, but He will remain. God is bigger than time, than tangible creation, than intellect... God paints this incredible, unimaginable picture of himself that is far too big (Big? I feel like I'm throwing out six-year-old words here... I'm at a loss) to grasp.

So the real clencher is found in Isaiah 45:18.

"For this is what the LORD says—he who created the heavens,

he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
"I am the LORD,
and there is no other.

I have not spoken in secret,
from somewhere in a land of darkness;

I have not said to Jacob's descendants,
'Seek me in vain.'

I, the LORD, speak the truth;
I declare what is right."

So we just established exactly how mind-boggling God is. He created all that is seen and unseen and existed before there was time. Then, he says that he didn't ever ask us to seek Him in vain. As in, He is more than happy to reveal Himself.

But wait, there's more:

Jeremiah 29:13-14

(13) You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

(14) I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Isn't that precious? Yes- I have absolutely felt like my life and my ambitions have been scattered into exile. The rest of the chapter involves a lengthy warning on idols made by our own hands. When God sees that we have put our faith in these little demi-gods he is more than happy to scatter us and give us over to our own devices.

This is where I find myself, a product of my own making- literally. These little gods I have found comfort in have brought me nothing but destruction, but the Lord promises me Himself, should I choose to abandon these idols and seek Him with my whole heart. What does that even look like- seeking him with my whole heart? And if I release my little idols, will I ever get them back... should I care that I will never see them again? What about the benevolent ones- like going into ministry, being wealthy (good Christians call this being "blessed"), having healthy kids, and a life full of adventure. I like to play this little game where I tell the Lord I'm over these things, and that I'm ready to stop trying to make them happen on my own... only to get angry when he doesn't magically make them *poof* reappear after my feigned release.

What if I get to the top of the mountain, but unlike Abraham, find that I really DO have to follow through with sacrificing Isaac?

All God promises me in those last verses, is that I am guaranteed more of Him... is more of Him enough to satisfy me? I mean, really? I am not guaranteed another day of life for following Him, or freedom from a certain affliction, or a comfortable home, or a fulfilling occupation... only more of Him. I get to know and have a relationship with this mysterious, omnipotent, holy Being. I know this seems so simple, but it took me some time to get over my cushy Westernized ideal of what it means to be "blessed." To grasp not only what it meant I was forsaking- truly forsaking, because to follow God whole-heartedly, I had to get it out of my head that the things I want in this life were just on the other side of this lesson (They are, right? Like I don't really have to give them up? ...God?), but also to understand what I stood to gain from this proposition.

I spent the better part of the following day trying to wrap my mind around the treasure I had access to. The One who was there in the beginning, is coyly requesting that I find Him. What does one even make of that? How should I proceed? What does seeking Him with my whole heart entail, and in what way am I not currently seeking Him to the fullest?

I'm not sure where the next 30 days of intensive therapy in the Word will take me, but I'm hopeful. He wants to be known. He promises that I won't seek Him in vain, and that if I set out to seek Him... I will find Him. I am so in awe.

Poor you.

So, I am almost ready to get rid of my Facebook account- blogging is fun! What good is it to ramble mindlessly for 180 characters, when you could be rambling for pages and pages on end. The beauty is that well-meaning friends and family are now forced to endure the entirety of my rants, and not just the TV Guide version. I can force them to pay attention to me for exponentially more time this way, which of course compensates for (or exacerbates... I'm not sure which) my desperate need for attention, stemming from the fact that I was a middle child.

Thank goodness for the internet.

"Are you still looking at me?"

An Overwhelming Prospect

So I just woke up from another nightmare and decided that the blog I've been thinking about starting for the past week, probably needs to come to fruition.

The nightmare? I couldn't remember Zander's name for the first half of the dream, then discovered he was a girl, then was stuck in a car and I couldn't get to him to feed him. Not so bad right? Until you realize that Zander is currently 14 weeks old, weighs 2 oz, and still hasn't even been born. How can something so small, be cause for so much terror?

Last night was one of the more tame dreams. I have also given birth to a black hedgehog (the doctor poked it and declared, "He has intestinal problems"), empty placentas, plastic baby dolls (which I callously handed to my husband and said, "Here. This one's dead.") and a plethora of other inanimate objects which Freud would have a field day with (what does it mean when you dream you give birth to your dog?).

So last week I decided that I needed to start purchasing parenting books (remember... he's literally 4 inches long from head to butt, and weighs 2 oz). So I set to work, finding all kinds of books on correcting and teaching your children using scripture. My child's first words will be Ephesians 6:1, by golly!!!

So I was totally ready to discipline the little guy, when I ran across Tim Kimmel's book, "Grace Based Parenting." Right... grace... that whole thing that sustains me in my Christian walk. So I ordered that one too. "What Really Matters at Home" by Susan Yates is all about developing Christian Character. "Expecting" by Marla Taviano is a 40 week devotional of prayers to pray over baby. "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp covers my attitude about bringing up kids.

I'm not listing all these to brag, but to show how completely nuts all this has made me. How could I have been entrusted with this little soul that I have to teach, correct, show grace to, instill strong character in, pray over, and do it all with this great Christ centered attitude... AND I still have 20+ more books waiting in my Amazon Cart to be purchased. Do you realize I've been charged to be a missionary in my own home to a person that doesn't even speak discernible English for another two and a half years? Not only that, this child will see exactly how I live, day in and day out. It's like inviting a camera crew to do a reality show from the White House. Once you see how dysfunctional your leaders are, will anyone really follow them?

Can I trust in 2 Peter 1:3 that declares that I have been given everything I need for life and Godliness through my knowledge of Christ. I keep reminding myself of this verse, but life then laughs in my face. Everything, and I do mean ev-er-y-thing, requires a decision that could alter the life or welfare of this little guy: Do we use a midwife? Vaccinate? Cloth diaper? Breast feed? Spank? Feed only organic? Allow television? And how on earth do we attack the daunting prospect of teaching a little person with an underdeveloped mind, but a fully developed soul about the goodness of the gospel?

Breast Feed, Formula, or BACON?

What I've come to appreciate is how little control I really have. Even with this little guy taking up residence in my body, I still have no control over whether his life is safe. I remember my friend Jenn laughing when I told her that it'll be so much easier to have control once he's born. Of course that's not true- if I can't even keep him alive while he's nestled safely inside me, there's no way I can protect him from a sinful world.

Luckily, I know Someone who can.

So I'm learning to put my faith in the Lord in a whole new way. I'm trusting Him for another person's life and well-being with a fervor I have never before experienced. I'm learning to trust in His grace: if I don't feel like making home-made baby food, that it won't be the end of the world, and somehow my child will survive and grow into a well-adjusted adult.

Welcome to parenthood...

Parenting: Who says it has to be difficult